Be Still...

I actually wrote the following in an email to a friend, and it kinda startled me when I actually went back and read it myself.

“Now it is a little past 4 months since we buried our child. The LORD has been faithful and given me multiple signs for things i have specifically asked for. He has confirmed there will be a future child and began healing the jealousy and anger that still remains. But, he has also slipped in an extra heaping of blessings. He has grown Will and I closer than I ever thought possible. For the first time in my life I can say that the fear of Will leaving me has been shattered. We have experienced the intimate moments I have heard of husbands and wives sharing, but never experienced until now. My prayer life and relationship with the LORD is on a completely different level. I have seen and heard how Elizabeth’s short life opened up conversations about Christ between parents and their children. The LORD confirms everyday that I am not going back into the pit I found myself in after my first loss (19 years ago). I was able to witness the book of Acts first hand in how Will and I were served (and still being served) throughout our loss. And, I have discovered a passion for other broken individuals (especially women) that I didn’t know existed. i am finally realizing, we are still in God’s favor and just as Jacob was marked in Genesis, I am marked because my life is forever changed.”

On top of that, the LORD has given me the gift of intersession. I am only on the brink of learning what all that in cases, but man am I pumped up.

I am reading the book God on Mute and read the most profound statement a couple of nights ago. The author’s wife, Samie, is suffering from a brain tumor and massive seizures that basically torture her on a continuous basis.

“I have come to believe that if Samie had been spared her brain tumor and we’d never been forced to face the possibility of her early death, we would thereby have missed out on God’s best for our lives.”

God is in the middle of giving Will and I His best.

“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart”. Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself. I am trying to own this one. I heard it said that joy is like a cup of coffee. Delight is like a cup of coffee with a shot of espresso. Joy is a smile. Delight is throw your head back and laugh in wonder at your Holy Father. I want to constantly be like that. I want my desires to become His and His mine. What are my desires? Oh what a tough one. I am starting to understand that a desire and a craving are two different things. A craving is short lived and somewhere underneath it is that desire that is so deep. It has stayed constant over time and circumstance. My desire is to spend years and years with my wonderful husband and when we are old, have our children bring their families to come see us. I desire our children and their children to receive their godly heritage and to know there is no other way than the LORD. I so desire them to actually want to come see us instead of simply feeling obligated. So, this is now what I am praying for.

Today was a hard day. I spent most of it hiding underneath the covers not wanting to move. I did take a two mile walk…really just to clear my head…it worked some. I didn’t feel like praying, so I just kept whispering the name “Jesus” in hopes He would hear me and know exactly what I needed…even though I didn’t know what to ask for.

I had planned to go to a Beth Moore simulcaste at a church in the area with a friend. Several times during the day I considered backing out. So glad I went. Psalms 37 was what Beth was talking about and she stopped and marinated on verse 4. “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart”. This idea has become a theme in my life lately. Yes I think the LORD is trying to tell me something. Isaiah 7:11, “Ask the LORD your God for a sign, whether in the deepest depths or in the highest heights” and John 15:7 “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you” are much the same! ASK ASK ASK. I’ve got to stay on my knees.

Two other key points I gathered from Beth Moore were that I need to memorize scripture. God’s Word is my sword so I need to equip myself with it so I can fight the enemy’s lies. And…I love the way Beth talks about her husband. I have no idea what he looks like or what he does, but I picture him as a man’s man. Why? That is how she describes him. He seems to be the godliest of husbands who is her protector and her one true love. Oh how a wife can raise up or tear down her husband. I want to be the kind that raises my man up!

Once again, the LORD has such perfect timing. Tonight was completely ordained.

Yesterday I received my second sign. I have light heartedly continued to pray for healing, Will and I to be able to minister to other couples (kinda morphed since the original post), and to hear little feet running over our hard wood floor after I have the privilege of giving birth to him/her. As I hugged my dear friend Skye after her 20 week appointment, she told me that their baby was perfectly healthy and is a boy who’s name is Benjamin. The Lord whispered to me that healing had begun. In that moment I felt complete joy and relief for them. I felt like God was so in control and He is fulfilling His promise to them. It gave me great confidence in Him and His power. For the first time in a long time, the anger and the jealousy just washed away. Hmmmm…just refreshing and encouraging.

So I am discovering that medical insurance companies suck. As if the death of a child, dealing with the demons and pain that go with it, losing a vacation, and having to pay for a septic tank or get sued isn’t enough all rolled together, now my medical insurance is denying several of the larger claims for Elizabeth’s deliver. They classify it as an “elective abortion”. Yeah…I most certainly elected this didn’t I. Again…the wounds ripped open. One thing after another. In a way though…this is really becoming comical. I mean, what else? REALLY…WHAT ELSE God?! We are going to give you the glory and I am still not letting go without my blessing. Basically…just bring it…

Today I had my belly rubbed…AGAIN! No, I am not mad at the person who did it, but I am flat out pissed at the situation. It is like pouring lemon juice into my open wound. It can’t heal because every time I seem to make progress, it is ripped back open. I mean really…do I freakin look pregnant still? I would be 7 months almost to the day now and I am back to the same size I was before pregnancy. Can I wear a sign…I HAD A CHILD. I have nothing to show for her, but the constant reminders I get over and over and over and over again. “Oh I bet your getting big!” ” Wow you sure are small.” “Have you picked out your nursery colors yet?” Can I vomit on the next person who makes a comment to me? I want to just scream so loud and create a pamphlet with the entire story attached to give everyone I see. I am so incredibly angry at the Lord for allowing this to happen. I am pissed that I am known so many different avenues of people…people who ask a lot questions. People who don’t know what to say so they simply reassure me that God is sovereign. Yeah no crap I know He is sovereign, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. I still wish I could punch Him in the face at times for ripping the rug out from under me. Honestly, I cannot wait until the day comes that this can be a memory and not something that erupts an amount of anger within me that is almost scary. I simply hate it.

Grief is ugly. That is really the best word I can use. It’s like I go for several days…maybe a week and everything is fine. Then, out of nowhere, this hand seems to reach out, grab me, and suck me down. The anger sets in. It’s as though I can’t control it and I hate that. I am starting to learn what triggers it, but I don’t how to cure it. Often Sundays do me in. So many people and so many questions. Yes they are concerned, but seriously just shut up. By the end I find myself hiding behind fob doors so I don’t have to face them anymore. I am greatful for back exits. Sometimes it is HomeGroup. Sharing another couple’s joyous news of a pregnancy does bring me happiness for them, but yes, there is that ping of bitterness. I hate that.

After such occasions, that is when the lies start. Satan knows just when to hit and where. I begin to think everything will be solved with another child, but in reality I know that is not the case. I’m learning to rebuke the enemy more intensely than I ever have and beg the Lord to send His Angels to protect our household and our marriage. I really just feel like I am losing my mind though. I don’t know what to do with myself in these moments and want to either throw something really hard or run far far away. I feel helpless.

Jacob wrestled with Jesus in Genesis 32 just as I feel I am wrestling now. He didn’t let go until he received his blessing. I WILL NOT let go. Isaiah 7:11 says, ” Ask the Lord your God for a sign, whether in the deepest depths or the highest heights.” That is what I am praying…for a sign! A sign for what? Well, three really.

(1) Healing
(2) A bond formed between Will and I like no other.
(3) To hear little feet running over our hard wood floor after I have the privilege of giving birth to him/her.

Ok…so I have to interject a thought here. I prayed these earlier. Picked up the Bible to look for another subject, but my finger fell into Luke. Luke 2:12 to be exact, “This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in clothes and lying in a manger,” That’s good.

It has been some days…weeks…what seems like forever since I heard the LORD’s voice. From the day we discovered Elizabeth’s anencephaly, til shortly after I delivered, I heard Him so clearly. His presence was so obvious, but since then, I have felt starved from Him. I have basically begged for Him to tell me something…anything. On Sunday, I was sitting in church listening to the wonderful Perry Noble and through his voice, I heard the LORD’s. My new motto is “Sunday is coming”. On Friday, Jesus went through the pain, but on Sunday He rose again. I am in the pain, but hope is coming. I feel it with great anticipation.

On May 16th, I gave birth to a nearly perfect child. She was absolutely beautiful. I saw myself in her, felt immediately drawn to her. There are few moments in my life I have felt such joy as I did when I held her tiny body. I couldn’t help, but wear a huge smile on my face. To know what that moment was like, I simply cannot wrap my mind around what it will be like to bring a child home. To hold a squirming screaming wonderful baby is what I long for. I cannot wait for the dirty diapers and sleepless nights. I can’t wait to know what bathing my baby and watching him/her discover things in this life. I cannot wait to see him/her accept the LORD and do great things with his/her life. It just really pumps me up to think about it. Sunday is definitely coming!

Confession. I am jealous. I am jealous of new pregnancies. I am jealous of existing pregnancies. I am jealous of the stupid women who have children and don’t want them. I am just plain straight up disgustingly jealous.

I know this is not from God. In fact, I am sure it is a characteristic of satan. I know I can’t steal another pregnant woman’s joy, but I am bitter. I am sad it’s not me. I feel like mine was ripped out from under me…before I even knew what was happening. I am supposed to be 26 weeks. I am jealous that I am sitting here in bed not feeling Elizabeth kick when someone else that doesn’t give a flip about their baby is. Have I given the enemy a foothold. Maybe? I hope not…

I have a dear friend who is 28 weeks in her pregnancy. She is having a precious little baby boy. I am SO excited for her…SO ready to meet him, yet that ugly green eyed monster festers just the same. I know when I look into his small little face I will see a bit of Elizabeth…she was supposed to be his friend. She was supposed to run down the neighborhood street with him. He will always be special to me because of that dream, but it hurts just the same.

How do I shed this? How do I look into a friend’s eyes after she tells me she is pregnant, say congrats, and mean it with every ounce of me. I don’t want to be half-hearted. I don’t want to be sad. In the name of Jesus, I have got to take authority in the Holy Spirit and command this foul spirit of jealousy to leave me.

Today a major revelation hit me. Even though I was completely heartbroken the day Elizabeth was diagnosed with anencephaly, a piece of me was not surprised. I hate that fact. When did I become so cynical? I guess it’s like when someone has been hit with a stick over and over, it is only natural to put your arm up to brace the inevitable. I have been hurt so many times in my life that I don’t expect to be happy, and if I am happy I don’t expect it to last. Man what a crappy way to go through life. I don’t really know what to do about this. Pain is something I have grown accustomed to, but I don’t want to expect it. I want to enjoy life and not prepare for the next event that is going to send me for a whirlwind. How can I enjoy the moment if I am scared of what is to come?

I have heard that pain is a blessing. God only chooses pain for those that He trusts. I don’t want to be chosen anymore. Selfishly, I want His blessings, but I don’t want to go through the hardships. I am learning that being in His favor simply does equal happy times. Before this entire ordeal, everything was going smoothly with life in general. I remember telling Will that for whatever reason, we were in God’s favor. Today He reminded me that we still are.